EXPERIMENT THEORY

I have looked everywhere and searched, what I found I tried out but it didn’t work out so therefore this is the only avenue in which I can speak my mind freely without fear of any judgment because anyway whatever you say after you read this won`t matter at all. Anyway to the point at hand I am man who if you have been reading most of my blogs would come to conclude that I am a pathetic guy. Even by reading that statement it makes me look pathetic but then again I don’t care what you think.

Right now I feel like a CAGED animal being tested on by the almighty Father. I can`t complain much because everyone on this wretched earth, which is at the brink of extinction (meaning the experiment is almost over), is an experiment of which you would either be a failure and discarded or a success and therefore rewarded with less more experimentation!

The concept of living then dying doesn’t make sense to me at all. After death then what! Then what was the purpose of existence in the first place!

You are born, and as you grow up you meet many more people who if you asked what their purpose on this earth is, the all but familiar answer that you would is get is `God has a purpose for me` or `eating, drinking and partying` and many of them die without ever realizing that goal(failed experiments).

You are all but experiments some of which are doomed to fail because conditions in which you were put in require so. You are what are known as control experiments.

To explain my audacious claim I will use the some basic things most of you have heard of I hope. Judas Iscariot was from long time ago known to be the `msaliti` to Jesus Christ therefore even before he was born his fate was sealed. Other examples Lucifer, once a great angel now he is what he is- an evil guy! Some of you are made to be a stepping stones for others to get to where they are supposed to be. Don’t be weary at least I was brave enough to tell you as it is. 

Now you know your purpose OF WHICH YOU CANT CHANGE! Whether you refer to it as fate or whatever fancy word you wish to lace it with, bottom line is we are experiments that of which the Great Scientist requires a particular result. Humans weren’t that bright to come up with the experimentation process. So us you experiment on others so are you experiments of others! 

NB; Am still a Christian and believe in Christ as Lord.

WEB OF THOUGHTS

Boredom is one those things that you should never let creep into your youthful life. Just sitted there not knowing what to do, what not to do. All that you can think of is- nothing NOTHING AT ALL! Being so blank makes you wonder is your life that hollow, are you doomed to a lifetime of just staring up in the skies.
Friends come in handy at times like this but you cant really rely on them to get your life back to high gear or can you! Most of the times I feel too old for my age. I wonder am I the only one feeling like this. Now this are thoughts of self pity but I cant help it. Growing up(which still I am), I was told to be weary of the friends that pull you out of the so-called straight line. This concept of the straight line is one that I have never come to grasp .
They say the only way to learn is to make mistakes.But what mistakes are we talking about here! Getting yourself drunk silly, smoking all kinds of hard narcotics, getting different girls pregnant, screwing around. Maybe some of them are bad!
At this point my thoughts are not even in sequence, not any big flamboyant words are coming to me to make this blog entry look very interesting or am I just kidding myself. Am thinking maybe I should just stop here and push all this negative energy down the basement where all the unsolved puzzles are. But then again it might be full down there and any more additions would make all of em come out with full force, out bare now even more jumbled up.
It strikes me that maybe am being to complicated with everything maybe I should just...........(and again nothing comes to mind).
Have I said that sometimes I think am too old for my age...... oh yes I did. Its like I live in a mansion whilst am supposed to be in an ashanti, a single roomed house. Its like I have lived for five decades like I have experienced everything and done it all. But not quite! Am just at my prime, being ripe for the world- still in the nest.
I think am just making a chicken look an ostrich! 

101 WITH LOVE

Can one really share their heart,
Can one really love two,
Can one love both old and new,
Can one differentiate between old and new day,
Can one rekindle an old flame,
Can ones old flame burn them into ashes
Can ones ashes arise again like a phoenix
Can one love again
Love again
Again is love real
Real and fantasy what is the difference
Difference is what you want and what you need
Need of a true love
Love that is true
True with no blemish
That is why I ask
Can one love
Can one ever give up on love
Can one love twice thrice
Can one kill their first love
Can one forget their first love
Can one say their first love would be the only love
Can one say that other loves are love
Can one forget a love that they still do love
Still do love
Kind is love
Love is servitude
Servitude master and servant
Servant serving an adulterous master
Master of disguise lies and perjury of love
Love again and again
Again the master still loves another
Another time it might end in hurt

DOCUMENT VIII; STUPIDLY SMART

`Stupid` people are afraid of `smart` people. `Smart` people are terrified that `stupid` people would come to realization that they aren’t who they are told they are. Anyway all this classification came from somehow stupid people who made themselves smart by making others stupid. The development of  IQ tests, examinations etc are those stupid things that are now smart. How do things that make you stupid become smart? They neither makes you learn you just conform and end result a zombie.

Folks developed the word creativity to sublime but their little understanding of anything. Thinking about it it`s just another stupid thing that people do not get.

`This is a very scrumptious meal. You are very creative with the spices. How did you do it? `. Your level of awareness of that dish is null. That cook just made you stupid.

Really nobody is stupid just that they can do things you can`t do; things that you otherwise considered `below your level of intelligence`.

Hipsters are a breed of people that live life simply. They don`t put any effort in anything they do or you do. They are `just over it`. They do not make intricate designs on their clothing-zero. But it has come to be picked up by various designers who now want to make a trend out of it. Mixing up different colors and patching a label on it and alas it is a creative design.

Just because you work in an office and the plumber doesn`t, that makes you no better. If we lived in the B.C that plumber would have been you almighty emperor! Shows you can`t fix your own shit!

DOCUMENT VII; SYMBIOTIC

Once upon a time there was and is still is; anyway this is an epic adventure of a young boy brought to this world, cared for and nurtured by the only person who could through all carry him for nine months and give him directions when lost. 
At the moment the boy is outside the arms of her mother, out in the real world to face the different tunes of the world- the hi`s and low`s. Still at this stage you notice the certain resemblances that you have with her traits that you thought were her own but you being her flesh and blood, the blood flows through you! 
 Back to the young boy he is now facing what he so much feared as a toddler- doing things himself. The boy is wondering if the world would accept him as he is and is there anyone showing his personality. He wants a life with no quarrels, no back-bitting, guys he can trust and with his life! All this are but a dream which he is yet to realise or not!
Walking in the forest the young`red riding hood` is pondering how the trees leave in harmony even creating shade for the younger plants with no prejudice. In his entangled mind of thoughts he came to remember the so dreadful biology lesson on how plants behave with each other. Others are symbiotic, others are are parasitic. 
`I guess this is also how human beings behave with each other but few are on the symbiotic camp`, he thought.
The notion of bite my hand I bite yours is but a fragment of imagination to many. Its more of bite my hand and all there is- Thank you.
You can never rely on any one to do anything for you, no one. But anyway it might all be a case of the `pride`. What fits one cant fit the other. Lions fight to belong to a certain pride and whoever loses leaves. Humans cant actually fight each other to belong but fight with their inner self with insistent questioning of their similarities and differences with their `pride`. Solitary animals still survive, live longer and share non of their prey with others. Or maybe the equation just doesn't solve and its time to look for a new pride worth the fight. 
You fight for something that is of benefit to you- symbiotic!

DOCUMENT VI; NEEDS A LULLABY

Sleep evades. Staring at the sky, from my window, no stars to count to make me fall asleep-into deep slumber. Reason for my being awake-even I am puzzled. The only thing I can do to pass time is take a notepad and jot down anything I can think off. And not even the right words are coming to me to put down in black and white. Feeling this continuous headache that does not seem to hurt and it aint going away. The radio is playing soft music, music for the soul but it aint soothing one bit. I can`t even put the lights on. I don`t want to wake my heart up because even she is in her own predicament. All this writing is with the help of the dim light from my phone.
As time passes am still trying to grasp why my night ain`t going as planned i.e. get in bed, my eyes shut and off I go to wonderland to join Alice. Things just do not seem right or am on the wrong footing. I feel like a malfunctioned machine with no warranty.  
Suddenly my heart awakes(from a continuous ringing hidden beneath the pillows), she stares at me wondering what the hell am doing- `What are you up-to at this time of the night?`
`Am writing a suicide note!` And am saying this confidently as if it disturbing. NORMALLY such words or phrases would not cross my mind but at this time I feel like I have lost something and at the same time I have gained everything.
A couple of minutes ago I had been reading  an article on Malcolm X and all that he has accomplished and lost-`dying a martyr` they quoted. A sleepless night nothing to do but read on a dead legend and yet it couldn`t uplift me.
The darkness seems the simplest thing and yet dangerous where all unknowns make it their realm. Staring at the darkness seems to ease my burdened self. Makes me wonder what my predicament is or am I my own predicament. Am I my own poison or my solution. Things are not getting any better. I thought by scribbling all this it will break down the shackles to my ever present insomnia but its only getting worse.
On second thought I think its better to stop writing and stare at the abyss sky and just maybe some stars will pop up. Even if its one I would count it till I fall asleep. Wishful Thinking! `Predicaments` of the Roman rulers but only that I can`t win this with an army not even the 300 Spartans!

DOCUMENT V; FOOLISH WISDOM

With every journey their must be a destination but mine seems not in the horizon. It seems the answers that one seeks most are out of reach or is it that you are blinded by your foolish wisdom that they just are beyond you.
Sometimes I would wish to go back to the 1960`s in Rhode Island and for the next 25years be confined all alone maybe then my mind would become clear and I would have a perfect score in life`s exam. But such again would require a man with a strong will and purpose, one who has already found himself and has defined his purpose in the great design of the world. A man who has already answered his lifes questions! Again a foolish wisdom.
You would think of climbing Mt. Everest but you haven`t conquered your own fence. Many at times we are told to aim at the sky and land on the moon but we can`t figure out our way to the sky! Many things are still parables and riddles things that were said by our forefathers passed to us by our fathers without any of them understanding what they were saying. It riddled them also; hoping that by them telling us, due to our perceived advancements, we would decipher
I heard murmurs that the naked mind of man can`t comprehend what is in the great scriptures but only through the help of a higher power. That we must  quest for the depth in our thought not from our own understanding but from the Almighty one. How many can find Him?Where? It creates a web of infinite questions that are answered by those questions.Again foolish wisdom.  
All this wisdom ,intellect that man presumes to have and unbound, is all a mirage, a way of man comforting himself that he undestands. Even of all that I have written now could be but foolish wisdom!

DOCUMENT IV; 1+1=1 or is it 0...2...

Hmmm! things never seem to get simpler-everything is so damn complicated, from school to the fewest people you hold dear to your life. When one thing seems to end another crops up. Maybe that`s what makes living worthwhile. No matter what you do it never seems good enough. There would always be something acting the part of quick sand. When the sun sets you would dear to think that all the days downs would go with it-but ney. 
Things look rosy on the outside but full of thorns as you go deeper. Things are never as simple as elementary math. What is solved yesterday would come today more complicated than it was.You pull yourself out of wet mad but the minute you reach half way done you realise you are half way undone.
NOBODY not even the angels have it easy! its like feeling a puzzle with pieces that don`t fit. The fitting parts are out of your reach. Even when you get one it occurs that it is not the piece that would lead you to the next task.
Why is the concept of utopia not achievable. Or maybe am asking the wrong questions approaching the situation from a difficult approach. At most times I miss that one man who`s approach to life was simple not made up of differential equations that always leave an unknown factor to fill in. Hope before he had gone he would have given me his simple 1+1=2 equation or so it seemed. 
What is the purpose of worry when what  you are worrying about has its own worries. Why carry a burden that gets heavier with every step. It may seem as the sentiments of a quitter but why? 
Could really use a wish right now. Get his answer to this infinite questions. It is all a mess. Why give a damn? Why care? Live it as it comes and if screws you you can screw back and when you done you bolt it up. To be continued..........

DOCUMENT III; THE TRUTH

Tuesday, nothing much to it, just a normal day,-school then back home. Today I considered life as a movie. You can edit it with just a simple alteration. Like pirates of the Caribbean everyone wants a source of youth where you can make reckless decisions and it will not bite you back in the ass.
I consider life as a `deja vu` where one decision automatically disqualifies the other. In every situation there are two sides of the coin;it is either one or the other. but even as a youth you can not be reckless especially if the heart is involved.
When you take a look at your life you focus on all the bad things that have happened and forget to appreciate all the flowers that are blossoming around you. A reckless decision to use a harmful weed killer instead of a well thought out weed killer(i.e. tested and certified) then most probably you would kill even then flowers.
what am trying to pass across is that life is not about guessing, not about doing things for the moment unless of-course you know your day of demise. Life involves well thought out plans and situations. Proper hypothesis are drawn out where life rules are proved and concluded. 
I came to understand that life aint a gamble. Everything is a wheel pulling the other forward or backward. The notion that most youth have, is that life` a cloth is your own knitting`, is vague and mystified. I believe in facts and proven theories. When you knit a cloth the thread used will be no matter what the next course of action is. You decide to remove it, it would still be used, you decide to add a different pattern it would still be used. No matter ,what is done is done!
Life can not be enjoyed, you just live it. Do as it pleases with you. Differ if  you may but it is the truth!

DOCUMENT II; DILEMMA

Was a blood sucking day from a fun filled and drowsy weekend with mine starting on Thursday. Drunk as if the world would end. Anyway most of us were waiting for this wretched earth to end but not me. I like the fun part of it all the `evil` that most of us celebrate. That is what keep most people sane from everything else- the simple pleasures of life.
 Coming home I tune into the radio(I find it informative and at the same time relaxing -acts like ecstasy). A thought strikes me. What is it that makes relationships so hard to keep up with? Some say with love all other things would fall into place. If any problems crop up then love would act as the weed killer. I beg to differ. Relationships are hard work especially for the younger ones-me included. I find girls or more preferably women a bit selfish. Women are molded to be loved, treated like queens, be on their beck and call, support them keep them your number one priorities if you do not then you are on their wrong end. And their methods of, supposedly, correcting this divergence is gruesome. Am trying to be very careful in choosing my words.
 Couples fight over many things but the most interesting and killer of them all is on the topic of sexual relations. A woman wants what she wants when she wants. It is not a matter of choice. This one thing many men would not think about if offered. It is too sweet a deal.  And this a topic for next time.
Sometimes I wonder if a man is granted the opportunity to get his way once. Or if their opinion is valid? Sometimes you get into an argument and it seems like you are turning rocks into bread. If the woman has made up her mind about something telling her otherwise-disaster! You do not want to get her mad so you let it go. You love her to bits and if she gets mad then the day is ruined. You life at home is a mess. But at the same time it appears like you are being run over. You feel like you could just disappear, get away where there would be no dilemma, no decisions to reconsider and way out options which would always not be in your favor-maybe to a bar.   
Am left to wonder what is better walk away or quote the bible! Man shant leave by bread alone but by the word of the woman. No solution it is still  a  dilemma!

DOCUMENT 1; MY CONFUSION

Afternoon, not quite a different day from yesterday but at least today I somehow rediscovered that nothing comes and goes easy. My girlfriend woke up to see me off to school, with some breakfast in hand(not all that scrumptious a `mandazi` some black tea or well known in Kenyan terms `turungi`).

Came back home and the only comforting thing i could find is my laptop now am here  blogging, to pass time. The weather aint that good either. Entering the room i find my`WIFEY` sleeping all peaceful,beautiful;wish i could join her but my mind wouldn`t let me. My thoughts are vague and confusing. I tune in to Kiss100 f.m as i try to settle myself down but i find they are conviniently talking about condoms-one of the things i do not want to hear at the moment.

My life is still in a maze. Not so long ago i lost someone who meant a lot to me someone i miss dearly. am feeling like a dog with  no collar tag,belonging to no one,trying to find my way back home but instead am now in a dog pound. Am feeling caged,tied down. If Alladin could just lend me his jinni for a moment I could undo what has been done maybe correct a mistake. But then am hit with scenes from `Final destination`. IS IT TRUE THAT THE PATTERN OF DEATH CANT BE DISRUPTED? Is there even a pattern?. It sounds selfish since am not the first to lose a loved and i wont be the last! 

Some say life is a journey and as it begins it has to end. But why? Why should it end? Why not just have stopovers-and continue with the travels. If you get tired drink some redbull.

My point-ends are just virtual, things that maybe are there but not necessarily real.